úterý 14 2020

If I ever worked

Thank you for choosing us. We are one of the biggest, if not greatest, companies in this world and in a few imaginary ones as well. We do everything and we are super-proud about it. 

We value your decision to join us in our goal to constantly improve our customers’ perception of perfect service.

We care. Caring is important. You will be allowed to continually work on your self-development via various programmes. You will also be required to record your successes via our intuitive ranking system. Overevaluating is a necessity that hugely improves the overall happiness. To achieve this, every employee is tasked with spending at least 40 % of their work time recording in detail their everyday actions, including efforts put into creating these reports.

Your newly acquired skills are a huge benefit for both the company and your own career progress. Especially since we quarterly rework our organizational structure so much, you might end up on a different position, working for two or be allowed to pursue other goals (like correctly filling in application at your nearest job centre). You will be part of a dynamic team where no one knows anything about the next week challenges, but all are ready to persuade you there is a long-term planning hidden somewhere.

We are operating in more than 20 countries. Which means some people are willing to work for less money. It also means that a few of our core employees are members of work unions so we are not allowed to ask them to work, nor can we let others do their job. This usually results in the job not being done at all. An important initiative equalizing our customers’ expectations.

Be ready to be part of one of our teams. Be ready to be yelled at you by customers for your stupidity, your team’s stupidity, your manager’s stupidity, your employer’s policies (being pretty much all stupid) and your customers’ stupidity. For if they believe they are subscribing for the excuse not to think, they are stupid indeed.

Your daily work will consist of finding out exactly what caused the service not to function properly for our customers, how long it took to restore, why was that too long and what could be done to avoid such incidents in future. Especially if there is nothing to guarantee avoiding these at all. Your skills in academic writing will be very appreciated because every single one of us prefers using different phrases and synonyms and you will be asked to alter yours to fit the ever-changing demands. Be ready to explore the world full of new words, specially tailored excuses and logic arguments revealing why it was our fault the customer did not read/follow the instructions, why the technician arrived 10 minutes later than promised and whether his breakup with his fiancé 6 months ago had anything to do with that.

We are proud of believing we are great of what we do. And there are so many of us working in here we have to take turns complimenting each other on the magnificent work we do daily. Be part of the future. Now. Regret. Later.

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